Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Gift To Us All


Dear SEGA,

Today is my birthday, what better present than to announce Shenmue 3? I'm only getting older and I don't wanna be 99 when ya finally release a sequel.

Actually, I'd wait forever as long as that shit came out, but I'd rather not. Hopefully you release it soon as a gift to us all.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Maybe I Should Buy Another



Dear SEGA,

True fans are speaking when we say that a conclusion to the story is of utmost importance. Not only do I own the first Shenmue for Dreamcast, I also own its counter-part on the Dreamcast as well as on the original X-Box. I hope that our posts are not falling upon deaf ears, as our numbers are growing daily. I long for the day to open up more capsule toys after consuming vending-machine coffee, only to have the caffeine kick in while I open it to reveal that I must be an alzheimers patient who forgot I just bought one with the exclamation " Maybe I should buy another."

Please let me have more inventive quick-time events where I smash watermelons with a godly pimp-like backhand. Please make a third ( and hopefully not final ) Shenmue instead of focusing on a decaying hedge-hog whose glory days have left him behind back in the nineties. If it would make a difference to your budget, no-one cares what the exact weather conditions were in Hong-Kong on the days of the story, we just want a conclusion to the world that drew us in and made us replay fight after fight to see if we could do it faster.




P.S.
If you don't mind, I would like to see an end of the apathetic way Ryo stares at everything and everyone, as if life is so mundane that nothing short of a space-station crashing on his head would wipe off the zombie-like mug he carries around.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Hajime Satomi's Fault?


Dear SEGA,

You used to be great.
What happened to you guys, huh,
to make you so lame?

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Third-Party on the Third Game



Dear SEGA,

The Dreamcast is dead,
Shenmue doesn't have to be.
So, please make part 3.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Anything But the Wii


Dear SEGA,

Don't make Shenmue for
the Nintendo Wii console.
Waggle is stupid.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Don't Make Us Wait Any Longer


Dear SEGA,

In an effort to
placate all the Shenmue fans,
give us more info.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Friday, June 19, 2009

The Golden Goose


Dear SEGA,

He's your golden boy.
What did Yu Suzuki do
to be demoted?

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

It is

Dear SEGA,

Another Shenmue
would be awesomely awesome.
That's a real phrase, man.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Mario and Sonic Go Platforming Together


Dear SEGA,

Who would've thought these two mascots would appear in games together, and in 2 Olympic games no less? Mario and Sonic At the Winter Olympic Games is an alright concept, but do we need another waggle fest Olympic style party game? The first game was tolerable only because it was their first appearance in a game together. The novelty has worn off, and this one seems wholely redundant. Just because the first one sold a billion copies doesn't mean this one will as well.

You could release the game as is and probably make a killing, but why not placate the hardcore crowd by throwing in more than just Sonic characters? You'd get even more sales. You could include Ryo Hazuki as a playable character, that'd be cool. I need me some Ryo Hazuki bobsledding down a mountain. How about some Fuku-san freestyle skiing? Sounds good to me.

Pander to the fanbase a little, SEGA. If Konami can inject Pyramidhead and Frogger into New International Track and Field, then you can certainly throw in some Shenmue characters into a winter Olympics game. Throw in Seaman and Mr. Bones too for no good reason.


Wait a minute, didn't you guys publish the original Frogger? It's a small world after all.

The point is that you have a plethora of past glories, err... I mean franchises to choose from that are ripe for exploitation in games such as these. Nintendo has been doing this for years, it's about time you take advantage of it. Make Mr. Bones Party Brigade 1-8 and roll in the moolah. Then, proceed to use that moolah to make more Shenmue. If you're gonna make inane mini-game collections, go overboard and throw in more characters from your illustrious past, not just the Sonic franchise. It'll help ease the everlasting mind-numbness of all the mini-gaming.

Also, why haven't Mario and Sonic gone to the platforming games? Give them a break from going for all the gold medals, and let them chase after some gold coins/rings like the gold ol' days.

It's a no-brainer, really. I'm surprised this hasn't been made yet. They should be out jumping on turtles and robo-animals not triple/pole/high/long-jumping over hurdles. I can see why you went the Olympics route, but the idea is still kinda dumb. Putting them in a sports game is tantamount to making a Fighters Megamix bowling sim.


You ever see the fan-made PD-rom Tekken VS Virtua Fighter? It's shitty, but at least it's a fighting game. It's not a puzzle/party/bullshit waggle game. It's a fighter. Matter of fact, I think I've seen a PD Mario and Sonic platformer somewhere. That's how crossovers are done. Can't you see the fans crave it? Get with the freakin program, already.

Make a Sonic and Mario platformer in the vein of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. There ya go, money in the bank for ya. It could go the 3D route, but maybe you should let Nintendo handle that one. Seriously, don't ruin Mario in 3D, too.

All I'm really saying is that you guys should whore yourselves out a little better. Whore yourselves out so you can earn the 700 million zennies it might take for the world to be bequeathed Shenmue 3. So bring on the Vectorman shot putting, Lan-Di snowboarding, and Altered Beast synchronized swimming.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Wanna Arm Wrestle?

Dear SEGA,

SEGA, don't be coy.
You know that ev'ryone wants
the samurai boy.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I Are Serious, SEGA


Dear SEGA,

You know what I want?
A game that's long overdue.
Can haz Shenmue 3?

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Fucking Chris Roper

Dear SEGA,



How about that fucking Chris Roper? He doesn't know shit about shit. Not only is God Hand an excellent brawler with a gamer's sense of humor, but it is a descendant of the long line of fighter/brawler hybrids started by Shenmue. And I guess Battle Arena Toshinden, but that's beside the point.

Shenmue took Virtua Fighter's intense technical combat and applied it to a true 3d combat system with groups of opponents that can approach from any angle. Before Dante took on multiple opponents with flair, there was Shenmue. Before Hayabusa got his ass handed to him by Murai, Hazuki-san was dispatching thugs at the docks. Before Kratos seethed with generic MTV angst, Ryo had the time to cold-shoulder Nozomi while QTE-ing the fuck out of Triad gangsters.

God Hand was the culmination of many 3d brawlers and fighters; not to mention decades of anime in-jokes and gaming conventions. I challenge you to release Shenmue 3, not just to give us closure on Ryo's journey, but to show all these Johnny-come-latelies how it's done.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Lan Di Demands It


Dear SEGA,

Proceed with Shenmue.
The jade mirrors must unite;
Lan Di demands it.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Friday, June 12, 2009

The Sleeper Must Awaken


Dear SEGA,

Look into my eyes.

Loooooooooooook into my eyes.

You are getting sleeeeeeeepy.

Yes.

You are getting very sleepy.

Your eyelids are becoming heavy, it's a burden to hold them open any longer.

You are in such a relaxed state that more Shenmue sounds like just the thing right now.

Say yes to Shenmue.

Say yes to greatness.

When I count to ten you will finish Shenmue.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...


Ya know what? This is redundant. You can't hypnotize someone when they're already asleep. You've been sleeping for the past 8 years, and it's only getting deeper. What are you dreaming about? Shenmue? Norp. You're dreaming about crappy, 3D-Sonic games, endless ports, and shitty updates to past glories. The Dreamcast is dead, and you dream on. Slumber time is over.

Wake up, SEGA! Wake up and finish your legacy.

For yourselves and your fans.



Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

If and When


Dear SEGA,

If and when you ever announce a new Shenmue, it should be heralded by these two golden oldies.

Even though they have nothing to do with the games in the least bit, their presence would ensure it had maximum exposure. Thus increasing it's overall profitability. More Shenmue profit = more win for us all.

By the way, don't ever release what's ostensibly an expansion pack for a music game that is already a stand alone platform filled with DLC. If you do, then at least have the tracks rippable to the harddrive for use on your main platform. Who wants to constantly switch between the main game and some money-grubbin, egocentric band game anyhow? Nobody, that's who.

Mario and Sonic go to Woodstock? I don't see why not, they're making Lego Rock Band after all.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Buy Your Kids Actual Sandboxes, Not Open World Sandbox Games



Dear SEGA,

How does Pyro Studios go from making PC strategy-games to Grand Theft Auto for 4 year olds? Are they doing penance for some past sin or something? This is the first game they've made for you, did they jump ship from Eidos when it was bought up by Squeenix? They should go back. Maybe they'll get the chance to make Final Fantasy Commandos. Who knows?

Now they're workin on Planet 51. Why? Is this how you get them to show you what they got? Kinda like someone's first day of work at a retailer and they're asked to clean up the toy aisle. That can't be right, though. They've made numerous games over the last decade or so, and they've all been received well enough. That should be all the evidence you need, I would think. I'm no industry insider, so I have no idea.

Since this game is intended for 4-12 year old kids, what's the deal with the GTA style of gameplay? 4 year olds don't need sandbox gameplay, they need actual sandboxes. Way to prep them for the games they'll play when they hit fourteen. What's your next licensed crapware game gonna have? Quick time events where the hero dismembers robots?

Now that I think of it, that's probably already been done in some other shovelware based on some CGI movie. Don't know for sure though, I don't normally pay attention to licensed horsepuckery. Don't let that stop you from making God of Planet 51, though. The mindless hordes love that type of game and will buy it up in droves, and you need all the money you can get. Especially if some of it goes towards making a new Shenmue.

I would probably play your shovelware if it copied Shenmue. Imagine how much better it would have been if the astronaut guy could walk up to anyone and ask for directions to the nearby convenience store? You could even ask people to take you to their leader, since you're the alien on their world. Kids would probably find that dreadfully boring though. So frakkin what? Put it in anyway.

Well, just do what ya gotta do to stay afloat, SEGA. Keep earning them breads and make another Shenmue, please.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Hazuki Nights


Dear SEGA,

Nights with Hazuki
walking around the city!
You owe us Shenmue.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Project Berkeley Natal

Dear SEGA,



Project Natal is awesome. Incorporate it into Shenmue 3, hell, incorporate it into every game you make. With this tech I wanna beat the crap out of Lan-Di, whip out some Darkside Hazuki on some Chiyoumen, and spar Fuku-san back at Yokosuka.

Now that I think about it, flailing your arms around randomly to destroy your enemies wouldn't be much fun in a Shenmue game, and anything more complicated than that would be obtuse. Maybe we could manhandle the contents of dresser drawers, have the ability to pimp-slap people in the middle of a conversation, or duck races even. Whatever.

That's not as exciting as doing martial arts, but any kind of compatibility with this device in a new Shenmue would be really cool. Something to think about, Sega.

Also, a mode where you get to beat the crapples out of Kudo Tsunoda would be awesome, too. Matter of fact, make it a stand-alone game. You could call it - Knock The Sunglasses Off The Douchebag.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Pretty Please With Blast Processing On Top

Dear SEGA,

I need more Shenmue, oh yes I do. I freakin needs it! That's right. I need it so bad, I need it plurally.


I also need more Golden Axe: Beast Rider like I need a freakin hole in the head. Seriously, what's wrong with you guys? No Co-op? Whose bright idea was that? The dwarf is in the game but you're unable to play as him? You guys are retarded. Why bother bringing back Tyris Flare and other characters if you guys are gonna be so ignorant of the core experience? It should have had Co-op YA FREAKIN DRIBBLEHEADS.

You wanted to make it like God of War? GO SUCK ON JAFFE'S CHODE.

In case you haven't thought of it already, you should have Secret Level make a new Streets of Rage, so we can have even more of our favorite game franchises defiled.


And while we're at it, it should be an amalgamation FPS/RTS that plays like Nintendogs. Because, that's a popular game that isn't imitated enough already. Also, It should have absolutely no Co-op play of any kind. Not even any VS mode. Multiplayer is old hat ya know.

Release it on the DS and call it My Streetz of Raging Animal Farmz. Refurbished franchise AHOY. You'll sell a million copies. Awesome. Truly.

So, please; more Shenmue and less crap-updates to classic games. Pretty please with blast processing on top.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Keep On Breaking My Heart

Dear SEGA,

E3 is over and with no surprise Shenmue announcement. It just breaks my heart : (
Can't say I'm surprised of course, but I'm still heart-broken all the same. So what did you show at E3 this year?


Aliens vs. Predator


Looks like it could be cool, but hasn't this already been done to death?


Alpha Protocol


Obsidian is great, but I just can't get it up over this. Will it enable the player to make moral choices? DON'T GIVE A SHIT.


BAYONETTA


I'm actually looking forward to this, so I got nothin' snarky to say. It's good old fashioned entertainment.


Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games


More waggle. JOY. Mario and Sonic should take a break from the Olympics and go do some platforming together, don't ya think?


Planet 51


Movie tie-in bullshit. Big frakking whatever.


The Conduit


An award winning first person shooting game for the Wii? MY ASS. I'll say it again, it's too little too late.


Vancouver 2010™ - The Official Video Game of the Olympic Winter Games


These Olympics games were so much better back in the eighties when they were primitive. What ever happened to Epyx?


All in all, a pretty unimpressive lineup, Sega. Thanks for nothing.

Shenmue 3 at TGS 09? I remain forever hopeful.


Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It's Pronounced Fook


Dear SEGA,

Please, make Shenmue 3!
In the name of ol' Fuku-san,
do it for Fuku san!

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Please Make It So

Dear SEGA,

What better time to announce a new Shenmue 3, then at E3? Please make it so.

If ya don't, I'll refuse to purchase Sonic Superfrakk Racetrack or whatever ya call it.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Too Little Too Late

Dear SEGA,



How do you push the technical limits of 2 Gamecubes taped together? The Conduit, apparently.

Seriously, who are you trying to impress with this? Hardcore gamers can get a better graphical fix from Ninja Gaiden on the original Xbox. That leaves you with old ladies who are too busy playing garbage like Wii Music, Action Girlz Racing, and this sackful of sweaty garbage.

Your audience has shrunk to nobody, so why bother releasing it? This game is 6 years too late; unless you were aiming for a handheld game coming out on the next DS. Perhaps you should have waited for that opportunity.

Instead of polluting the oversaturated FPS genre with another alien invasion, maybe Shenmue 3 would be a more worthwhile venture.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Shenmueday!


Dear SEGA,

It's the first day of E3 2009! What secret projects will you unveill this week? Shenmue 3? I would love it if you not only announced Shenmue 3, but also announced that it's available right now in select retailers across the nation. A good ol' fashioned Sega Ruse. Just be sure to include retailers on the joke this time.

Sincerely Yours,
Shenmue Fan.